Tag Archives: parenting

The problem with Millennials…but us “adults” should not be so smug

I’ve been thinking about this a lot since watching this viral Youtube video of Simon Sinek (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hER0Qp6QJNU) over the holidays where he lays out 4 root factors of the challenges many Millennials have in the workplace: failed parenting strategies, technology, impatience, and corporate environments. Of course, much of his scathing commentary applies to more than just Millennials — it applies to many of our children and young adults today. A lot of the comments I’ve been seeing are scoffing at the poor parenting that caused these young people to become this way. About how we adults were raised successfully to not feel so entitled. But I don’t think we should be so smug.

In particular I’ve been musing over the topic on impatience. We “adults” are modelling behaviours now to our children that reflect our desire to control our time. We want to maximize each moment and get more done, because increased productivity in work, home, school, friendships, is the goal, right? It may not be an explicit lesson or discussion, but through establishing “what is normal” every day life, we are teaching our children volumes:

  • Don’t want to schedule a phone call with a friend? Just text back and forth when it’s convenient.
  • Don’t want to wait for the specific time of the week when your favourite TV show is on? Just download it or wait for Netflix, and watch on your own schedule.
  • Don’t want to wait for the bus and deal with people even though your commute can be easily done by transit? Of course, use a car and control your own schedule.
  • Don’t want to make the trek to the store when both your schedule and the store hours align? Online shopping is there, with Amazon Prime delivery to boot.

The explosion of food delivery services, Uber, Tinder…there are more and more ways that companies exploit our enjoyment of instant gratification, and our desire to control our time. It’s a selfish desire that we all have. I’m not saying that all these innovations are bad and we should get rid of them. Obviously that is crazy. I’m a user of many of these things.

What I’m realizing is that the overall cumulation of all of these apps and services means is that it erodes our everyday practice of waiting. And being patient with situations and others. We are losing practice dealing with the daily invariable inconveniences of life, and forgiving those small trespasses against us, that allow us to live well with each other. All these things are practice for us to not be so self-centered. And to be resilient when things don’t go our way exactly when and how as planned.

This is happening to all of us, and not just Millennials or our children. Maybe it’s time to rethink how we might want to build back in the practice of waiting for things, events and people. Maybe it’s time to give up on a few of these conveniences, on purpose.

~Jen

Goodbye 2016 – A look back at the year

The calendar has turned over a new page to 2017, so it’s time to say “Goodbye 2016” with a look back. At the end of this year, I felt a certain mixture of dread, melancholy and cynicism. It’s hardly the thing to get into the holiday spirit. And no wonder, looking at the first list of things that brought me grief and despair. Thank goodness for the things in the following 3 sections that soothed my soul (from grief), spurred me to action (instead of cynicism), and brought me joy or wonder (instead of despair).

Grief & Despair

We’ll start with the negatives first to get it out of the way.

  • Probably the thing that dismays me most about the Brexit vote and the US Election is the triumph of populism over intelligent and rational discussion in big political outcomes. The attacks on the “intellectual elite” have been so blindly fierce that I can’t help but parallel it to China’s Cultural Revolution and the Great Leap Forward. When you can’t debate or discuss your opposing views using facts, logic and reason, it causes me great fear. “America Has Never Been So Ripe for Tyranny” by Andrew Sullivan in the New York Magazine applies to more than just the US, it applies around the world in many countries. Just watch the next round of elections in countries around the world.
  • The ongoing civil war in Syria, causing the displacement of millions of their citizens. The fall of Aleppo in December is the most recent terrible milestone in that crisis. I know I can’t fully understand the roots of this conflict, or all the interconnecting web of factors at play that continue to stymie attempts for resolution. This excellent piece by Mark McKinnon of the Globe at least helped me to start to understand: The Grafitti Kids Who Sparked the Syrian War
  • That there had to be a Black Lives Matter movement to bring more mainstream coverage to an issue that’s long simmering. And the inability for many with the privilege to be sheltered from this reality to acknowledge their privilege in order to continue the conversation to make forward progress.
  • Terror attacks around the world. The maniacal Philippine president in his ruthless tactics in their war against drugs. The unnecessarily harsh law enforcement reaction to the Standing Rock protest against the Dakota Access Pipeline. All the terrible things that humans do to one another.
  • The death of so many artists this year. Music can have so much power in our lives. The right combination of melody, lyrics, and rhythm can stir us to move and dance, to fall in love, to stand and fight, or to cry for our loss. Actors and personalities allow us the fantasy of other lives, where their comedy and drama entertain us, and we are glad their plot points aren’t happening *to* us. The loss of these artists this year means the loss of the art they produce. The world feels dimmer without them.

Balms that soothe the soul

  • Belatedly discovering Maria Popova’s brilliant blog Brain Pickings.  Here is a place where thoughtful, intelligent reviews and commentary on literature, writing, writers and artists, and “big ideas” matter. She celebrated the blog’s 10th anniversary this year, and her “10 Lessons from 10 Years of Brain Pickings” hit me like a splash of cold water to the face. So much so that I bought the poster that adapted the first 7 lessons (from when the blog turned 7).
    Post of Brainpickings 7 Life Learnings
    Poster of Brainpickings 7 Life Learnings
  • Tai, my loving husband, is my best friend and confidante. And the best dad I could ever dream of for my girls. He is a true parent, both doing the fun things (building kites, bottle rockets) and the mind numbing tedious things (bed time herding, making school lunches, answering unending questions). He sets a great expectation of what they should expect and demand to be treated in their relationships.
  • E1’s lively imagination in her creative play. She is rarely one to say, “I’m bored” because she’s always making something up. Her flights of fancy never cease to make me smile.
  • Nuzzling into E2’s cheek after she sneaks onto my lap. She wears her heart on her sleeve, and her sweetness warms my heart.
  • The inspiring dedication of the groups of ordinary Canadian citizens who are sponsoring Syrian refugees to settle in Canada.
  • Having a great core group of friends who consistently make the effort to connect and spend time together. We swap parenting strategies, career advice, home advice…it all goes. Whether it’s trips to Great Wolf Lodge, camping, group date nights, excursions to Canada’s Wonderland, or house / swim parties, I’m grateful for our (real) social network.
  • Working at a great company where the work is enjoyable, the mission and our clients are aligned with the type of impact I want to make in the world, and a wonderful group of colleagues that I like, respect, and enjoy spending time with.

Invigorating

These are the things that spurred me to take action in certain areas of my life.

Digital Education for my children

The book Reclaiming Conversations: The Power of Talk in the Digital Age, by Sherry Turkle was transformative for me. It was the first I’ve come across that really discussed what was at the root of all these multifaceted symptoms of technology use that I’ve either felt and experienced personally, or read about. And then it pointed out more that I didn’t even realize. Some criticize this book as fear-mongering, ignoring the true benefits of technology. I took this book to be eye-opening and informative so that we use these tools with the fuller understanding of the potential downsides. It’s the book I purchased my own hardcopy after reading the library’s copy, and the book I’ve most recommended.

It’s particularly influencing how my husband and I are approaching the thorny issue of when to allow our daughters their own smartphones. Combined with the following particularly memorable or insightful items, my two actions were 1)putting away my phone more; and 2) refining my parenting strategy for smartphones and kids:

  • I Used to Be a Human Being” by Andrew Sullivan (again!) in New York Mag
  • 13, Right now” by Jessica Contrera in the Washington Post
  • The Binge Breaker” by Bianca Bosker in The Atlantic
  • The youtube video of Simon Sinek’s talk about Millennials in the Workplace (https://youtu.be/hER0Qp6QJNU) actually applies to all of us, both in our own personal behaviour, and in how we raise our kids.
  • The World Economic Forum published Yuhyun Park’s “8 Digital Skills all children need and a plan for teaching them“. While it’s more of a framework than a plan, it is a helpful way to categorize the different facets of Digital Citizenship (the ability to use digital technology and media in safe, responsible and effective ways) so we can plan our own lessons at home.

Organizational Structure at my work

I decided to start up a book club at GrantBook, where I work, because I found many of my colleagues have a similar love of reading and discussing the ideas within. Peter, the cofounder of GrantBook, suggested this book based on a recommendation given to him — Reinventing Organizations: A Guide to Creating Organizations Inspired by the Next Stage of Human Consciousness by Frederic Laloux. Noone could have predicted the impact of this book on our company. We knew we had quite a unique company culture in the level of respect we had for each other, and how we operated. This book was able to articulate for us what some of our “secret sauce” factors were. And provided a vision on how to take it further so we’re operating as a “Teal” organization.

Some organizational theorists have different terms to describe similar concepts: Holacracy, Integral, Self-Management. I remember hearing about the concept of Holacracy back in 2012 or 2013 and thinking it was a crock of sh*t. But that’s a typical cynic’s reaction. I’ve dropped a lot of my cynicism in the last two years, and I’m really motivated by what our company can achieve together. Peter was a huge part of establishing our culture organically, but he is planning to start something else soon. We wanted to inoculate our company culture so it continues on being awesome regardless of what individuals are here or not. It’s been satisfying being one of the instigators to formalize what being a Teal organization means.

Joy and Wonder

Sometimes there are just things that make you stop, sit up, and take notice, because of the joy or wonder they inspire. These were the things that did it for me this year:

  • Hamilton: An American Musical by Lin-Manuel Miranda deserves all the awards and accolades it receives. It is so multi-layered and dense, and yet so approachable in it’s contemporary form, that it’s a revelation. (“You want a revolution? I want a revelation!”) Ever since late 2015 I devoured the soundtrack, pored over the Hamilton Annotation Project analysis over on Genius, and watched countless Youtube videos. Watching it in Chicago in November was incredible, and made me love the musical even more.
  • OK Go’s music video for “Upside Down & Inside Out” continues their creative winning streak. Whenever I’m having a bad day, a dose of OK Go videos is a good way to kick out the grumblies.
  • Wake Up Rosetta! Who says science and astronomy doesn’t have heart? I nearly cried watching this recap story of the satellite Rosetta, which just finished a planned crash landing onto comet 67P. Sleep well, Rosetta and Philae! https://youtu.be/lVKFyFbfpOI
  • Viewing the Super Moon just above on the horizon at dusk was incredible. For those fleeting moments on November 14, the moon looked huge and golden orange against the clear eastern sky. It brought back memories of seeing a harvest full moon in Winnipeg in my teens. Looking down the flat highway to the prairie, the rising moon in the early evening light looked like it swallowed a quarter of the horizon.
  • Diving off the dock into the lake at a friend’s cottage, and then floating on my back was a real summer moment. I was so content lying in the water, the sounds of our kids muffled, while the sun filtered in and out of the clouds.
  • Watching live dance (National Ballet of Canada, La Sylphide and Cacti in particular; Fall for Dance North and Hubbard Street Dance Chicago in particular) and theatre (ARC’s Pomona, Soulpepper’s Alligator Pie)
  • Finishing off our 1000 piece puzzle of candies over the holidays.
  • And finally, reading books brought me joy! Is there anything more wonderful than being transported away by great story, characters, and language? These were my reads of 2016 that rise to the top of the list:
    • The Name of the Wind (The Kingkiller Chronicle), Patrick Rothfuss
    • Jane Steele, Lyndsay Faye
    • Carry On, Rainbow Rowell
    • The Martian, Andy Weir
    • When Breath Becomes Air, Paul Kalanithi

Well, I have fresh hopes for 2017. May you and yours have more joy and wonder in 2017 than cause for grief and despair. Happy New Year.

~Jen

Parenting is hard: when to allow our kids to have mobile phones

As I write this, E1 is 7 years old and E2 is 5 years old. Yes, definitely too young to be having mobile phones, but these rascals grow so quickly! It seems like yesterday they were still doll-sized, so I just know they’ll be pre-teens in a blink of an eye. And wanting their own mobile phones. So to avoid having to respond in a wild-eyed, unprepared and panicked manner, I think we gotta plan now for when to allow our kids to have mobile phones. (*ugh*)

I definitely think anytime before they are in Grade 7 is too early. But after they are going to middle school and extra-curricular activities by themselves? I don’t think that age alone should be the determining factor. Hence this haphazard plan below.

I don’t profess to have a grand manifesto that I’ve been planning for ages. These are just some of the random ideas and “risk mitigation strategies” that have been floating around my head lately. Maybe I’ll add to this list or take things away as the years pass. Definitely this post will be updated as things change. Looking at this list below, the daughters are going to have to do a lot of work to convince me! That might be enough to discourage it for a few years. But who knows, i’m writing this now in 2015 without knowing what the social and technological environment will be like when they are 13 years old. I’ll try not to be too hard on myself if this current best-laid plan doesn’t work out. Continue reading Parenting is hard: when to allow our kids to have mobile phones

Parenting is hard: sex talks

“Mommy, how does your body know when you are married so you can make a baby?”

This is the question posed to me last night by my elder daughter, E1.

Me: “Um, that’s not how a baby gets made.”

E1: (still continuing on the train of thought that babies are spontaneously made in mommy’s belly upon marriage) “And then how does the baby get parts of the Daddy in it? Like some of his looks, or personality?” Her face was pondering this question. Continue reading Parenting is hard: sex talks

Jeneral finds of the week: 2015-03-01

Last weekend was a little crazy, filled with birthday parties, travellers returning home with jet lag, and temperamental water lines to the washing machine. So I skipped a week. Here are this week’s things I’ve stumbled across that have been interesting: 2015-03-01

  • Fried OKRA: A Management Framework for People Who Don’t Like Vegetables. This article on Medium takes an entertaining spin on a management framework.

  • Bruce Feiler gave this really inspiring TED talk with a cheeky tech title: “Agile Programming—for your family”.  But what it really boils down to are his 3 planks for working toward a less-stressed, more collaboratively-managed family dynamic: 1)Adapt all the time; 2)Empower your children; 3)Tell your story. I think it provides another tool/technique to use with the Adlerian philosophy for parenting, which we aim to follow in our household. I highly recommend this 18min watch. 
  • I also wanted to celebrate the historic ruling in the US that the FCC declared the internet to regulated as a public utility, which supports Net Neutrality and prevents the establishment of paid prioritzation, aka internet fast lanes, by cable companies and ISPs. This is huge news, but unfortunately many (most?) people don’t know or don’t care. This entertaining segment by John Oliver on his show Last Week Tonight last summer is a good explainer on why we should care.
  • Like so many of us, Chris Kirk at Slate was overwhelmed with dealing with his email every day. He was email-depressed. So he decided he would try to make his own email client to make one ideal to the way his mind wants to manage his email. His journey to do so would reveal a lot about the history of how email got to the state it is today, why changes to email functionality are so slow compared to other technologies, and some ideas going forward to manage work communications. (the Slack application is featured, and I just think about how I wish our teams had this years ago)

~Jen

<–previous finds

Jeneral finds of the week: 2015-01-25

Here are the good/interesting/provoking finds I’ve stumbled across this week: 2015-01-25

  • This post from Mommy Shorts has an honest account of guilt I feel being a momager getting from deadline (start of school) to deadline (extra-curricular, dinner, bedtime), each day craving for the kids to be asleep so I get some Me time. “When they’re awake you wish they were sleeping, and when they’re asleep you’ll want to wake them up to cuddle.”
  • I spent some time last week reading some more of the background into “GamerGate” that erupted in certain parts of the internet world last year, as I had only read the headlines before. It was depressing. The vitriol some gamers out there who heaped such vitriol on anyone, in particular Anita Sarkeesian, who deigned to put together a series of critical analysis on video games’ use of female tropes, is astonishing. The intent of the critical analysis is to challenge the industry to do better. These gamer “opponents” took it as an attack on their core belief system and way of life. More than just rude and shocking misogynist comments, the behaviour displayed by these “opponents” of these critics have ranged from outright bullying, harassment, and cyber assault.  At least it was responses from some prominent voices such as this and this that affirms there is some sanity out there. I just don’t know how it will end well. Sarkeesian’s critical series? Very thought provoking, and well worth the viewing. 
  • Who knew that modern-day archery has veered so far from its original roots? Lars Andersen of Denmark knows. The skill he displays here is truly amazing, regardless of whether there is some film doctoring (he splits an incoming arrow with one of his own!). I wonder if Torontonians will start practicing this technique at this new archery tag centre?

~Jen

<–previous week’s finds

How deep is my love? Some anniversary thoughts

Hi Honey,

(feel free to play the Bee Gees song below in the background while reading)

Happy Anniversary, my love. Just like that, 8 years passed. Eight years since we said our vows to love, respect, and support each other through our adventures in life as husband and wife. While we didn’t know exactly what would happen, you were game enough to face that unknown with me. Continue reading How deep is my love? Some anniversary thoughts