I’ve been noticing in the last few months that E1 has been taunting her sister more and more, or doing things just to bother her. Putting her foot on E2’s chair. Purposefully taking up more space so there is no room for E2. Belittling things or accomplishments that E2 wanted to share with the family. They still had lots of moments where they got along great and have fun together, but the ratio was starting to to the other way.<\/p>\n
I decided to address it at our family meeting this week. (Inspired by my friend L and her family, we are using a responsibility chart that has changeable list of behaviors and responsibilities that we decide on as a family to work on. Each day they achieve the behavior without being reminded explicitly, they get a token. At the end of the week, we tally up the tokens and it forms the amount of allowance for the week.)<\/p>\n
I explained that I was seeing this type of behavior from E1, and so I thought that one of her responsibilities to work on for the week should be “No teasing”, as it was the closest magnet we had to ” No taunting”.<\/p>\n
E1: “No.” She then starts playing with the magnets and avoiding our eye contact.<\/p>\n
T: “What do you mean, No? Let\u2019s talk about this.”<\/p>\n
E1: continuing to avoid eye contact, \u201cNo. I don\u2019t want to talk about it.”<\/p>\n
I feel my frustration rising. “Please explain why you are saying no. Because I am seeing how you have been treating your sister lately and I don’t like it. I am disappointed about this behavior because you are family. As sisters, ideally you two are each other’s biggest supporter and help take care of each other. So when I see you being mean to her on purpose, it hurts my heart.”<\/p>\n
E1’s lip starts trembling and her eyes water, but still she keeps repeating, \u201cNo” before collapsing into my arms wailing with tears.\u00a0Our talk has a short recess while she uses 10 tissues, uses the bathroom, and seeks out her favourite stuffed toy and blanket.<\/p>\n
I have a\u00a0guess as to why she might be acting out like this – sibling jealousy. Jealous of the time and attention given to E2. Yes, E2 is younger and does still require more help in some daily tasks, but am I perhaps indulging in her \u201cbaby\u201d status? I have to admit that I likely am grasping at holding on to the last vestiges of her cute, round, toddlerhood and I steal some extra kisses and cuddles.\u00a0E1 must have\u00a0taken notice and perhaps starting tallying in her head. Acting out toward her sister may\u00a0be her\u00a0way of deal with her hurt feelings – by trying to make E2 feel hurt feelings too?<\/p>\n
With E1\u2019s intellect, independence and maturity in so many areas of her life, I keep forgetting that she\u2019s only 7 years old and still craves the attention, hugs and kisses from her parents. *sigh* Even though I\u00a0say I\u00a0try to treat both exactly the same, it\u2019s hard to do so consistently in\u00a0reality,\u00a0day in and day out. Their temperaments are quite different – E2 seeks out cuddling and affection and has the most empathetic\u00a0heart, while E1 is curious, energetic and boisterous. I suppose I\u2019ve developed some habits in dealing with their differences that aren\u2019t all innocuous.<\/p>\n
I catch up to her alone in her room, and cuddle up with her in her bed.<\/p>\n
Me: \u201cYou know it\u2019s not a competition between you and your sister over who is loved more or best, right? Mommy and Daddy love you both very, very much the way you are. There is no such thing as a favourite daughter that you have to\u00a0try and win.”<\/p>\n
E1\u00a0sniffles and tries to change the subject by starting to talk about a scenario she\u2019s imagined for her stuffed animals.<\/p>\n
Me: \u201cE1, please listen to me and tell me you understand what I\u2019m saying. I don\u2019t want you to think there is a competition or prize that one of you is loved more than the other.”<\/p>\n
E1: \u201cWell, I\u2019m two years older, so you\u2019ve loved me longer and so more than E2.”<\/p>\n
Me: \u201cWhile it is true that you are older, and will always be my first baby, it doesn\u2019t change that I love you both the same. If I\u2019ve been doing things that have made you think that way, then I\u2019m sorry. You have to help me by telling me when you feel bad, ok?\u00a0Just trying to make your sister feel bad by taunting her or bullying her is not what I want you to do. She is your sister and I wish that you will love each other always. Of course you guys will fight sometimes, but afterwards I wish for\u00a0you to be each others\u2019 best friend and supporter, for the rest of your lives. Otherwise it will hurt my heart.\u201d<\/p>\n
My eyes well up to match her teary face. It\u2019s hard to admit that I\u2019ve hurt your kid\u2019s feelings. We cuddle some more and then go down to join the other half of our family to resume our family meeting.<\/p>\n
I hope that it will start getting better now. Time will tell. Parenting is hard.<\/p>\n
~Jen<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
I’ve been noticing in the last few months that E1 has been taunting her sister more and more, or doing things just to bother her. Putting her foot on E2’s chair. Purposefully taking up more space so there is no room for E2. Belittling things or accomplishments that E2 wanted to share with the family. … Continue reading Parenting is hard: sibling jealousy<\/span>